Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Randomize
