I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
