please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize