Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
