You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
