I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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