yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
