broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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