Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
