I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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