remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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