i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
