I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
