If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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