The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
