I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
