Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
