My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
