the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize