her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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