I can tuck mytits in my pants
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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