I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
