i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
