life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
