You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
