Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
