I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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