My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
