I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I want a musical about memes.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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