just come out here and I will go home with you...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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