You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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