my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
