Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
