I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
