I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
