Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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