Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
