How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
