omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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