Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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