I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
