Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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