Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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