but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
