Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
