i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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