Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
