Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Randomize
