i think my tv is drunk
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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