We're like a lot better than the average bears
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
