I have demons in me.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
