Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
