i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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