I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
