sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
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