She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I deserve this hangover.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
