Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
