you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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