it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
