Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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