everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
