she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
