No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
