If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
