what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
