my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
did i walk over a car last night?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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