Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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