a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize