I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
