Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
