Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
