Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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