if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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