My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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