Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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