So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
