Your dad touched me again.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
