I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
